Childhood
Vivid Images, Warmth and Family

Vivid Images
Africa - Living in Monrovia, Liberia: One of the first memory I have is Dad’s monkey in the garden and being held over a black Mamba in a box - that was close to nature;
Mum was always busy, very busy and very happy working with Mary in their little school.

Warmth
Curry: Yes, Indian curries and then evolving to African curry. Mum sure knew how to make a curry. Also, she could always make a cake literally for every occasion.
Finally on the theme of warmth, Mum’s love and care was so full of warmth as only true love can feel - mum was always there to share my anxieties with. Always gave me a warm cuddle and said it will all be fine - and kissed my forehead.

Family
I thank God, Mum and dad for my wonderful extended family all around the world.
Holidays with our cousins, whether in Sweden, America, Canada, Spain or Switzerland were always full of joy and so much laughter, funny moments, accidents and recoveries. 

One occasion involved all of us and one of mum’s iconic meals. Our cousins were over so 12 of us around the table. Mum lifted the very large pot containing on this occasion chili-con-carne and as she placed it down at the end of the table where my uncle sat ready to serve, the leaf of the table gave way under the weight and everything when everywhere - pandemonium, yet in truth I can’t help but remember mum saying “not to worry, we can sort it out, there is more in the cooker (she always cooked a lot more than needed) and we all laughed at the madness of the situation.

Mum adored time with family, she was at her happiest and most talkative when part of a large family gathering and yet, she was always looking out for who was not getting enough food or enough drink - more on that later.

Leaving home
When your children leave home it’s a wrench, it was for me when Katie and Laura left home, and I do know when I left home, I would often return to Palmers Green to see mum and Grandma, while Dad was away working in Africa. Those visits were always a joy. 

On this occasion I was returning from Officer training at Sandhurst which some of you will know is…tough. Anyway, I hold the image of the day I returned home after what to all intent and purpose was confinement for the first 4 months while they ‘break you down - prior to building you up as an officer in the British Army’. Picture for a moment me weighing 7 1/2 stone, walking through the door, - mum cried, she could not believe it was me. We sat down, or should I say I sat at her feet as I often did and rested my head on her lap, and stroking my head she said something to me that truly was a turning point in my life. I will remember these words which have been part of my life ever since. She said, “don’t give up Peter”. Those few words remained with me on my return to Sandhurst and my subsequent military career and postings around the world were indeed some of the best times of my life.

The warmth of mum’s love, the effect of her deep care and yet resolve to say the right thing when I needed it, so often made all the difference.

Settling down in Hertfordshire
Mum and Dad decided it was time to move out from London to a house in Knebworth, Hertfordshire, as much for easy access back to St. Monica’s School as work/life balance for Dad, mum and Grandma. That upside-down house was surrounded by trees and sat atop a hill. Where we had countless beautiful walks, experiencing the colours and nature around.
The pictures I hold in here of those times were many happy warm summer days (there seemed to be much more then!) shared with relatives and friends with lots of laughter, fun and eating great meals cooked by mum.

One other insight into mum I would like to share was made very real to me at this time, and it was mums driving ability. Some here will know I love driving and driving with ‘pace’. Well on this day, returning from London, mum sped past me in her white Ford Escort XR2 sports car, and I mean sped past me. I truly never realised until then how much she liked driving at pace too.

For many years while Mum and Dad lived in Knebworth I would drive them to St. Thomas Moore Catholic church where they had their favourite pew and we were always early and always the first mass of the day – they loved early. For the three of us, it was time to be close to God. Such comforting memories and deep love not least when sharing the blessing of peace - “peace be with you”. Oh, how I cherished those hugs then more than ever full of love and the love of God.

Independent Living
As the years rolled on it was clear mum and dad neither needed the large house nor were safe given the stairs and surrounding slopes in the garden. What followed was downsizing firstly to a bungalow in Hitchin and subsequently an independent living flat in the heart of Hitchin. Now mum and Dad were just down the road from me and Sunday Mass was together at St. Thomas More and the bonus was every Sunday after mass we would return to Hitchin town centre and walk to Greggs just as it opened for Dad’s absolute favourite treat of the week - Hot Chocolate and a Hot Cross Bun. 
The smell of the freshly cooked buns with the warm sun shining in on us sitting at the window watching the world go by remain with me to this day. Oh and of course the laughter we had at the simplest of things. Such wonderful times of shared joy, love and time together.

We always found time to laugh, always in shared experiences - not least the time I shaved Dad and then cut his hair. We realised then I was never cut out to be a barber, yet the laughter we had looking at the initial, middle and finished work, kept us amused for days and while there are some photos - they belong to mum & dad.

It was during this time I organized and escorted mum and dad back to India with Pearl, mum’s sister and cousin Audrey and her husband Alex. I could honestly take all afternoon telling you about the fun times we all had - oh such joy and laughter from events and mishaps, but the two images I want to share are when: 

I asked our guide to take us back to the church where mum and dad were married and yes, with tears in my eyes watched them walk down the aisle to the altar where they were married – they turned and with smiles on their faces they had tears rolling down their cheeks.
Later that day we went to find the home where Mum, her three sisters, Heather, Pearl and Marie and brother Tom were brought up. I cannot describe vividly enough what I saw… a room no more than the size of a small study, dirt floor and no decoration – as mum said – this was our bedroom, it was just like this when we children. To think my mum and her brother and 3 sisters rose from this to the worlds they live in now and all through personal endeavour, family support, determination and love. Honestly, it was, it is humbling.

Sad farewells
The 9th December 2015, a date seared in the minds of this family and most of all for mum, was Dad’s funeral. If it can be said two people were soulmates - it was mum and dad. Everything they did, they did together. If you spoke with one - you were speaking to both and their on-going reference to the other and to their shared memories became a constant source of joy both before and after Dad passed away.

 Many of you will know, Dad’s passing was very painful for mum. Her time at Archers Court in Hitchin turned to sadness.

Mum and I shared together, with Dad his final moment on earth. To share in the joy and the pain and be there at the end when dad was at peace was the most priceless privilege I have had in my life. A fitting and perfect farewell.

Indeed, from that day forward, mum would on every occasion, whisper in my ear as we hugged: “I miss dad, I miss him so much”.

“I love you” 
 And so, to conclude: Mum slowly succumbed to Alzheimer’s and moved to Stratford upon Avon, near to David and Davina, and in a wonderful care home where she was truly loved and cared for with respect and dignity by all the staff – thank you to them, some of whom are with us today. 

For the first time in over 30 years mum was much further away from me and I admit to finding it very difficult, but every time Caroline and I visited, mum would whisper those same few words “I miss dad, I miss him so much”. So… now I know, and many of you will know, mum is happy again in the joy of being with Dad, Her mum, our grandma, Mary, her sister Heather and nephew Christopher and her father Tom, all held closely in the arms of God’s care, warmth and love.

To a mother who gave me everything,
was always there to listen and support me,
and to a woman who always worked so hard at everything she did with God in her heart, and who loved family more than anything else… 
Mum, I love you.

Peter Buckley
5th March, 2020